you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
