The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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