I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
