there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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