did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
