Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
