for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
