It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
