Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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