My nipple is on Facebook.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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