ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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