I puked a lego.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
