how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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