Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
