The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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