I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
