My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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