So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
