remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
