This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
