The maid of honor just puked.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
