If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
