oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
