life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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