if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
