pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
