I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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