someone threw a dead crab at me
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
