you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My bed smells like the plague
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
