Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
