I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
