You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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