Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
