I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Shame is for Republicans.
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