why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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