I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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