My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
