im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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