see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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