Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
