i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
