69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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