who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
