Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
