imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
