I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
