I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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