It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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