bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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