Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
